Ah. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I can already taste the traffic that awaits me on my journey home. All jokes aside, I realize that I’m closely approaching the home stretch of this fall semester. So deadlines, exams and my highly anticipated trip to India are a lot closer than I pretend they’re not.

Where does the title play in? I’m not referring to my actual inability to keep my things together (I like to pretend that the chaos that is the mess in my room is reflective of my current mental state is an issue for the tissues of another day) For a good amount of my life, I’ve always felt like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The first decade of my life was pretty solid all things considered. I was a little kid so anything outside of my own little world meant nothing to me. But them got to the awkwardly hard tragic back story years. And I just developed this undercurrent of constant fear that everything was just bound to go wrong. It just seemed that every single time I’d get graced with something decent, I’d get round house kicked by something unpleasant in the same breath.

And I feel like this fear hasn’t gone away. Perhaps I’ve gotten better at pretending that fear isn’t just a step away from overtaking my peace of mind. But it just kills me that I haven’t really enjoyed a lot of things in the past couple of years because I’m just trying not to get disappointed when that other shoe drops.

One of the best things when I took that trip to Toronto this year? The entire time I was just waiting for the catch to essentially catch up with me. The drive was peaceful (excluding the 30 million hours I feel I spent just driving through New York state), the hotel was fabulous, Fan Expo Canada was one of the best things I’ve ever experienced. I got so much merch but more than anything all the memories I made are immeasurable. Getting to meet the cast of my favorite webseries was great but there is no way to actually put into words how much I adored the opportunity to meet fellow fans. It was nice to be surrounded by people who you knew got you, who understood the passion you have for that particular show, who just made you feel like a giant international family of dorks. I still don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words how happy I was the following day after the panel. Sure I got more merchandise but I was feeling pretty low. Again I was just waiting for that hard knock of reality to smack me back into place. But it didn’t. I had a straight up anxiety attack but I pushed through it because I wanted to fight that shoe from falling. And I was given the yes from a higher power, the confirmation that I wasn’t wasting my time because somehow in that giant convention center, I ran into two members of the show that I love. I got a quick picture from them and even some hugs before talking to them for a bit. What’s the point of that fangirl moment with this? The shoe didn’t drop because I didn’t let it. I fought hell and high water to make sure that I didn’t get knocked down.

It’s hard to incorporate that incredible experience every day honestly. It’s hard with all these deadlines and just the severe feeling of not being enough that makes this anxiety worse honestly. I’m told constantly that I’ll be fine and that things will work out but I just can’t get past this fear that things will go wrong. It’s just after all these years of being told you’ll screw up for doing what you love, it’s hard to break that habit. I just need that a sign that things aren’t going to just come back and bite me. Ugh. This indecision is annoying and I just want to have a slight a bit of peace in my life.

I hope Cinderella is the only one losing shoes like that because chasing my dreams might require a little bit of running to get things done.