I’m gonna try to ignore the sword hanging above my head that just so happens to start with a G & takes place in may for as long as humanly possible…just kidding I took that nonsense known as the GRE today and realized I can’t keep ignore it for very much longer.

As glad as I am that I finally figured out what I want to do with the next chapter of my life, I absolutely detest the fact that talking about the future beyond May is becoming more of a regular conversation with people. I mean I even finally got to the point that I kinda just broke down and didn’t know what to do or how to handle all these emotions cause now I can’t hide behind preparing for that 4 hour exam.

I’m so happy to hear people’s plans for the future. Don’t get me wrong. But it’s so much more real than me being in the eternally preferred state of denial about growing up. More than anything, I like hearing other people’s plans because I don’t have to think about mine even for just a little bit.

I think what’s making things more difficult is that I’ve gotten a better understanding of the depth of some of the friendships I hold dear to me. This entire year has been one of the most difficult span of months I’ve ever experienced, but my goodness have I grown since January. I’ve made different connections and friends that I can’t see not being in my life. I have grown so much as a person since the beginning of this year and this semester has really opened my eyes to the reality of life after graduation.

As hard as life can get, not all these lovely folks I see every day will be there. Some of the closest dweebs I hold in my heart I may not have had a lot of time to make memories with, but their presence in my life definitely is something significant. I can’t deny that I want as many people in my life that I’ve grown to care about. I also can’t deny the fact that it’s just not gonna happen once real life happens & adultier adult things need to take priority over doing papers for classes I might vaguely remember in the future. I know which people I want to keep fighting to keep in my life after May. As much as I want to be there for as many people as possible, I’ve gotten the realizations of the true friends I’ve grown to care about, who I want to see somewhere down the line tormenting / bribing my children and who I might be able to remember if I look at a yearbook years later.

I hate saying goodbye. As a person who has had their life turned up on its head many times without having some goodbyes, I just hate the idea of the finality of one conversation. I don’t want to believe that friendships have expiration dates and just fall apart with time no matter how many times that reality has slapped me in the face.

I’ve gotten so close to people in last couple of months and I don’t care that I’m going to sound like a child right now but it isn’t fair. Sure, it could be the fact that people might be nice to me because it’s the last time they’ll see me but I want to believe in people who genuinely are interested in others not because of the sands of time falling against them. I’ve met so many incredible people in the last couple of months and I’m scared to death of seeing these friendships just fall away like so many in the past. Out of all the “strong” friendships I supposedly had in high school, I’ve only got three of them still in my life: one was my friend since those awkward freshman homeroom days, one was my friend since I made a lame joke in frosh AP class and the other only got close to me after we traveled to Paris and Barcelona. Those three I barely get to see or talk to (one goes to the same college as me and I barely see her) and I appreciate having them in my life.

But I’m really scared of goodbye. I hate losing people even though that seems to be something I’m really good at in my 21 years on this rock. I don’t want to think that some of these people just won’t be in my life anymore. I don’t want to accept the fact that some people won’t be a short walk away anymore. I don’t want to think about how the only thing we’ll have in common might be the memories we barely remember. I couldn’t even say it to those who have already moved on from their time here at college. I could only write in a blank card because the thought of saying goodbye in person makes me break down into a state I don’t wanna be in.

At least I’ve got tonight to mull over my friend being the first to make me promise I’m not leaving his life, which I have no intention to do because he’s stuck with me for the long run. I don’t want to think about the end but when it’s creeping along the horizon I don’t think my ignorance can save me for much longer.