So here we are, I’m finally done with editing the last of those blog posts. I can get back to complaining about recent life or making odd observations from whatever might be going on in my life. I feel like I’m in a foreign planet and have no idea what’s going on.

Not much excitement has happened in the recent few weeks since I returned from India. There was a wicked case of jet lag that screwed me up for a few weeks. The whole transition from warm to cold weather plus my body’s overall exhaustion finally won out and had me sick for a bit. I’ve still got a bit of a sniffle but it’s significantly more manageable in comparison to how sick I started off this year.

I’ve been busy trying to get this new schedule under control while also tackling the mammoth of a task that is grad school applications. I’m just fine tuning the last two and I’ll be free to worry about them in the middle of next month or so. It was absurdly difficult because wow do I hate talking about myself in that capacity (who knew that it would have taken someone telling me what I planned to do if they didn’t work out for me to inspire my personal statement?)

My birthday left so much to be desired. Other than the fact that the snow deterred a lot of my plans, it just really left a lot of bitter tastes in my mouth to the point I never want to celebrate my birthday again. The time I did spend with the few friends who kept a few hours of their Saturday was great, I just really hated how I learned just who did and didnt consider me a priority.

None of the last month seems real. Losing a lot of friends (didn’t anticipate how much losing one in particular would trigger my anxiety), making strides towards the rest of my future, finding out my name is worth knowing on my campus and just accepting that I’m almost done with my time here on campus. I don’t know what to do.

I’m so lost in my own mind, I’ve kind of lost sense of reality with how everything has turned out. Yes it’s all good things and probably moves I need to make to be happy but I keep panicking thinking this is all some sick dream and I’ve never actually made it beyond those hell years in the middle of my undergraduate career. I don’t want to end up back to where I was because that’s not the type of person I want to be. I need to get away and try to find myself I just don’t know how I’ll manage that. Nothing has been holding me back and grounding me in reality lately.

I’m going to try to get away this weekend with a retreat with my school. I have no idea what to expect for this but I’m just so desperate to try to find any bit of myself. I’m honestly scared of not knowing and feeling like an alien in my own body like I do currently.

Here’s to hoping these next few days help me find myself.