There’s a point when a person hears that one word or expression (usually a song lyric) that stitches itself upon the biggest hole in our soul and sticks with us forever. But sometimes, we first hear something and it completely goes over our heads.

Almost four years ago, I heard the expression “Let Go and Let God”at my Senior Encounter. I knew it was supposed to be some hugely impacting expression that should have burned into my soul and changed my life. But in all honesty, it didn’t. The Encounter was a great experience, with some of its aspects still carrying me today. I think the way the world turned out, I just didn’t need the words as much as I do now.

This weekend I took the chance to get away from everything and go on another Encounter retreat with my college and all I know is that those words made so much more sense now. I won’t go into detail of how the experience went because every single moment was something I needed. All you do need to know is that a little more than two weeks ago, I was absolutely lost and didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t even bring myself to go to most of my classes because I couldn’t find the strength to even stand up in the shower. I was lost in most ways and then this weekend helped me find the way back to myself.

The idea of letting go is absolutely terrifying to me. I like having a vague idea of where life is going, or what to at least expect so I can make the appropriate plans just in case things don’t go my way. But I honestly didn’t realize how tiring it is to try to carry all of that on my shoulders alone. I just couldn’t keep up with this mentality of that I need to absolutely drain myself just to survive. I needed to let go.

During my retreat this weekend, there was a moment where I just sat down in the chapel and watched the flow of the incense in the air during benediction. In that moment, I couldn’t just look away. The sunlight was casting such beautiful colors through the stained glass and I watched as the powerful scent rose and lingered above our heads. Then I saw it, the slightest of breaths was exhaled and the smoke swirled and changed its entire course. What was still no longer was and everything around it moved to accommodate it.

Now why does this matter? Well, this moment just captured the beauty of the effect of the smallest decisions on one’s life. In that moment that I ran to the place to submit my application, I gave up the control I thought I had on my life and handed everything over to God. I don’t know what kind of God is out there, I do believe that there is some force out there that is making sense of all the weird decisions in my life to make some story worth telling.

That decision to let go and let God was honestly the best decision of my college career, only second to decided to attend King’s College. I feel lighter than I’ve felt since early September. The smallest decision to put my fate in the hands of the universe has given me all the clarity and strength I need to keep pushing on. Do I know what’s going to happen next? Not even close. Quite possibly I have even less of an idea of what happens next. But in all honesty, it doesn’t bother me as much anymore.

I encountered most of my anxiety stressors in the four hours I have been back on campus and I feel absolutely okay with my life. I had my little rock of strength with me and all the memories I’ve made with my new family from encounter that I know I’ll be able to handle all of this. I’m just going to go with whatever life brings. I have to take care of myself and let the universe handle the rest. There is so much out of my control and all I can control is how I handle it and that’s okay.

Whatever else comes my way this week and the rest of my life, I have to keep in mind of this idea from this weekend. I think this weekend was the best choice of my life. It took a while but hey, at least I figured out the lesson.