When you ask me where I’m from, I’ll tell you that I’m from Philly and Queens. Philly is my home, don’t get me wrong. But, in my eyes, my formative years that really impacted me were the 8 years I spent in Queens.

It’s been a few years since I’ve spent time in Queens and it feels like a lifetime ago. As excited as I am to see familiar sights and enjoy loved foods, my gut is tumbling faster and harder than a gymnastic athlete trying to qualify for the Olympics. I haven’t been this nervous about the unknown since the last few seconds during Superbowl 52 when Brady’s pass was in the air.

For the first time since spring 2016, I’ll be heading back to New York with my girlfriend. It’ll be a long weekend and y’all I am super excited to just eat my way to happiness.

There’s a lot I’m looking forward to:

• Not being in Boston
• affordable quality pizza
• seeing some of my friends again!
• a baconeggandcheese from a bodega (hopefully with a bodega cat but I’ll understand)
• JUNIORS CHEESECAKE
• white castle
• finding the castle in Central Park
• dragging my girlfriend around Central Park because I love Enchanted

…okay so what is keeping most of my anxiety at bay is the fact that most of these reasons are related to food, but that’s not the point.

I’m super excited at the prospect of showing the love of my life the places where I started building the foundations for who I am as a person.

But I can’t shake this deep fear that sits like a boulder on my chest.

There’s folks who can go back to their home without worry. They can just go back and reminisce on their past, contemplate their growth since they’ve last been there and possibly even return to their old schools, chat with former mentors and once again feel a part of their former community. Hell, I used to believe that once I got older, this could be my future. But then, I grew up.

I haven’t been to my old schools since I’ve come out as Non-binary. When I visited last, I was only out as queer, but the entire time, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it all felt wrong. I was suddenly even more aware of the ignorance that seemed just linger everywhere I looked. I don’t wish for the lack of awareness and growth I’ve accumulated up to this point in my life, but the blissful unawareness is something I do find myself missing every so often.

My upbringing in NY really did form the building blocks for who I am today. But I’d be a fool to not recognize that my younger self was completely tricked by ignorance filter powered by obviousness. I could pretend things didn’t bother me because for so long I was told that what mattered the least was my own concerns. Always put everyone else before yourself whenever you do anything. If the masses didn’t seem to care about these problems, why should I acknowledge them and disrupt the norm? (This toxic self mentality is something I am still working so dang hard to grow from.)

Many of my old “friends” and some family haven’t seen me in years and I can say with confidence that those folks have no idea who I am. I have doubts that I’m even considered a real person anymore. I morbidly wonder if I’m just considered a mistake or if I’m just dead to them? But then there’s the other ugly alternative, running into these type of folks again.

I would hope, at the very least, if I would run into these problematic people again, they’d just pretend they had no idea who I am and ignore my existence. That’s fine. I’ve done that dance before. What I’m not ready for is to be accosted by someone I used to know and potentially care for. I’m not ready for the possible slew of misgendering, slurs and other hurtful language to be slung at me.

I’m strong. Any of those religious folks who would dare to quote the Bible at me underestimate how much I actually remember my Catholic upbringing and the strong sense of faith I have from my time at Kings. My worst enemy is myself and theoretically no one can be harsher than myself or all the personal demons I’ve encountered in my 26 years.

I can prepare myself as best I can but I doubt my strength in a moment like that. I cannot promise civility if they bring that on my wonderful girlfriend who would only be guilty of living her best life and loving me. I’m honestly more scared of how they’ll treat her than how they’ll attack me. We both won’t deserve any of that hate, but if you’re going to attack me, do it – just don’t let others suffer because of me.

I know who I am. I’m proud of who I am. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I feel pity for those who choose to ignore the Golden rule of loving one another just because I don’t comply with their idea of normal.

So here I sit, a few more hours on this bus, anticipation coursing through my body. I’m just gonna treat it like I’ve finally picked up a game I played a while ago. Here’s to hoping that jumping back to this checkpoint will give me a chance to start a new chapter in this adventure of my life.