Coping is hard folks. As much as I want to happily write about the selling of my soul to Tom Nook, I think I need to just try to wrap my head around everything else going on.

It’s almost been a month since I’ve had to quarantine due to COVID-19 and living through a pandemic is a nightmare.

So here’s what you missed on [not] glee:

I was worried about the reports of the virus back in January but mostly people thought I was being anxious (they were right, but it was valid okay.) So as my brain does, we made back up plans for the worst possible outcomes. (Spoiler alert, reality ended up being much worse.) Things started getting worse and slowly the reality began sinking in: Shit was about to hit the fan and get EVERYWHERE.

So I prepared for working less shifts to at least still maintain an income and provide some vague sense of normalcy during chaos for my crew. It worked for a month.

It felt like that moment when you’re watching a movie and you can hear the ominous soundtrack clashing with the sound of your heartbeat in your ears – just waiting for the inevitable appearance of something bad.

And my god, it was bad.

Business was suffering pretty badly, my anxiety was high enough it had its own gravitational orbit around Earth and people were getting really sick. Before I knew it, we got the notice from the Governor that all non-essential businesses needed to shut down. So we planned to close indefinitely, just for everyone’s safety. I established a GoFundMe to help support some of our crew financially while everyone tries to get their things sorted.

It was heartbreaking to tell my regulars about the news. Some of us wanted to keep going, but I also know so many of us were or have loved ones who are especially vulnerable to this virus. I had every intention of this being temporary.

My friend Rachel and I had plans for when the pandemic ended for what changes we would make to keep the cafe going while adding our own visions to the place.

We put our plans into motion. We began talking to the right people to make our dreams into a reality. I couldn’t help but smile at the idea I was that much closer to feeling like I was doing the right thing and making the right changes in my life. I was gonna have solid support and we were gonna make things happen.

The universe had other plans.

The last time I saw my friend Rachel was our last day of business, March 27 and she was in pretty rough shape. I had assumed she stressed out her body by working so much and just needed a break. Her little one had a cold, so I assumed that wasn’t helping anything. I remember her still being optimistic about our plans for the future, despite all the pain. I remember the smile on her face at that reality. Right before I left, I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and that I’d see her soon.

That was the last time I would see her alive.

I don’t know how to explain how much I hate picking up the phone now. That’s twice in my life I’ve had to pick up the phone and get heart breaking news. Twice I’ve had to process my loss quickly so I could be the one to respectfully inform others. I didn’t want my crew finding out informally. I called my friends who were also close with her and made sure I told my staff all the details I knew.

In the last few weeks (I think, I have no sense of time anymore folks) I found out she did indeed pass away because of COVID-19. She didn’t show symptoms I was aware of.

I have absolutely no patience for conspiracy theories about pandemics and tragedies. So you can keep those to yourself. What is real are the losses that so many folks are facing. What is real is the danger so many others are putting us through because they want haircuts or to go bowling. What is real is the possibility that I might have to answer these phone calls again and again until the worst of this pandemic ends.

I’m emotionally numb all the time. I’ve cried in bed so many times. Truly the only thing helping me at this point are the few friends I can manage to form words to, animal crossing and cooking.

I’m planning to talk to my doctor tomorrow about doing something to help with my anxiety and depression.

For now, I think I’ll just take a long hot shower and plan a menu for tomorrow since cooking is the only way I still feel connected to her. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find the energy to write more positive things about coping with new horizons. Tonight, I’ll just embrace the sad.

In the wise words of Brian Foster, don’t forget to love each other.

Take care of yourselves and stay safe.