When nothing goes right, go left.

Or at least that’s one of those classics I constantly hear when things inevitably deviate from the original plans. I may not have been anywhere close to being vaguely athletic since 2008, BUT I’d like to think that the few years that I enjoyed playing softball I was able to think relatively quickly and react properly to any given situation.

But it’s baffling to me to think that I have to constantly reconfigure my life and established plans because things just never want to go according to plan. Hell yeah, I enjoy my improvisational skills because they’re pretty clutch when I need them most but there’s definitely something slightly demoralizing when people bail on plans with you so often.

It’s just as fun when I do have plans and people completely disregard it to fulfill their own needs because what the hell right? It can’t be that important her plans. It’s totally not because she is literally feeling anxious and might be looking forward to her plans, but she’s totally cool with it. It’s not that she’s annoyed that she has to point out that you’re being an inconsiderate douchebag or anything. Just because a person always offers to be clutch when you need them most doesn’t mean you have to constantly use your phone a friend lifeline. The ironic thing is that maybe she wants to have a life but then gives that up to tend to her academic responsibilities or whoever needs her at any given time.

Is it this a result from stress of finals? Partly. But this has been probably going on for a the last few months. I’ve just honestly gotten to the point that I’ve become so done with making plans that I don’t anymore. Something always comes up, someone always has a bigger issue than talking with me about why things have to change up, something always inevitably goes wrong and I’m just not even used to my plans ever going right.

I’m feeling slight confusion because now that everything’s done with this semester that I’ve spent so many godforsaken hours doing various projects that I haven’t been able to spend time with my friends. Hell, I hardly made it home before 11pm on most nights.I felt bad the entire semester that I haven’t been able to see people and make memories because of how much time I had to commit to various tasks.

You know what’s the worst part of being the anxious little dweeb I am? I have absolutely no confidence or minimal at that. When it comes to why friends or people would hang out with me, I have no freaking clue why people would ever want to do that.

I guess after years of being told that you need to be successful since people are just going to use you is a mentality you don’t really ever shake. Years and years of that company nonsense just shakes a person to their core.

Needless to say, I might be a wee bit afraid of actually asking people why they’re in my life, why they want to hang out with me or, especially with this ungodly time of peppermint flavored nightmare, why anyone in their right mind would get me a Christmas gift.

I am not the best person. I’ve accepted that. I’m pretty sarcastic and brutally honest. I have had the worst amount of self confidence in my value for years because my mind is pretty screwed up after all the things I’ve been through. Yeah, I can come through on my school work or for when my friends need me. But when it gets down to being kind to myself or trying to get help for myself? I am the absolute worst.

So why would I continue to make plans with people when I honestly feel like people could literally be doing ANYTHING else instead of wasting their time on me? Why try and constantly fail to even accomplish the basic task of being able to hang out with friends? Also is it possible to have negative letters outside the world of algebra and math that I definitely don’t understand?

All I know is that I’m just not sure of what to do because I want to see people but don’t want to impose when they could be doing something more productive than spending time with this awkward potato of emotion. Well, at least I’ve got India to look forward to. Those plans are theoretically set in stone and now only a few more weeks til I can have a fair amount of plans with improvisation that doesn’t make me feel like the world has just no time for me. Adventures in India will hopefully get me out of this funk. If everything goes according to plan that is.